Revenge of the kids who never got invited to parties

Revenge of the kids who never got invited to parties

By Satyajeet Mareer

Meet Bob. Like many teens, Bob once had dreams about going out and partying, enjoying great nights on the town and getting occasionally ‘sloshed’ with mates as well as enjoying the company of chicky babes.


Unfortunately, Bob grew into an uninspiringly bland individual with no particularly impressive qualities who was constantly overlooked by the ‘cool kids’ because he was no fun to be around. In time, Bob’s seething bitterness manifested itself into a sinister will to power – “if I can’t have fun no one can!” cackled Bob as he neatly folded his freshly ironed underwear.



He hatched a brilliant plan to shut down the fun for all the other kids. It began with him growing into an old codger with deep-set frown lines and an unpleasant disposition. The second step was to lobby the government, taking away from the next generation of ‘cool kids’ their right to control their own lives and make their own choices.



All over Australia today, hundreds of Bobs and Bobettes are hard at work for organisations funded by your taxes including FARE (Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education). Under the guise of altruism, they want to take away your freedom because who better than them to make decisions for you about what’s best and how to enjoy your life?


Recently, the Bobs™, no longer content with destroying Sydney’s nightlife and the livelihood of thousands in the hospitality industry with their push for lockout laws – successfully lobbied to take away our kebabs too. They argued that late-night eateries – the only viable nourishment source after a night out in the am, have to be shut down because that encourages the kind of ‘unhealthy’ (read: fun) lifestyle they never got to enjoy.

Pictured: Local religious leader reacts to the AMA’s push to shut down kebab shops at night

To make matters worse, some parts of the media seem to sympathise with the Bobs of the world.


The Guardian recently ran the clickbaity headline ‘Study proves: Drinking alcohol causes cancer”. The problem? ..There was no study. The ‘study’ in question was an opinion piece sent in by a single woman who referenced neither studies nor new statistical evidence and simply stated her views on the health risks of alcohol.



Pictured: team of hardworking researchers engaging in an ‘academic study’

Distorting facts sucks. But really, how else are these guys supposed to sell newspapers?

Bob thinks you don’t know best how to run your own life.

Bob has no problem shutting down viable businesses and screwing with the livelihoods of honest workers.

Bob is an asshat.

Screw that guy.

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